Wednesday, 12 November 2025

Jack's Gap Year

Jack was a cocky 18 year old jock from the affluent suburb of Marsden Heights. He cut a rugged and masculine figure for his age, a killer smile and muscles in all the right places. Jack was psyched to be done with high school and was living it up at a pool party with a bunch of others from the graduating class.

Jack had everything all figured out. Tomorrow, he was leaving his cosy middle class neighbourhood behind to spend a year backpacking through Asia. He was gonna surf, drink and fuck his way through the continent before coming back home next fall to accept a deferred place at a prestigious university out of state. Jack couldn’t wait to get on the plane and begin his legendary gap year, and he didn’t mind bragging about it to anyone who would listen.

His bros high-fived and guffawed with him as he joked about all of the hot Asian chicks he was bound to have in the sack during his adventures. Meanwhile, the chicks were soaking up his ‘worldy’ charms as he regaled them with his travel plans and all the wonderful things he would see and experience – Jack was an expert at playing to his audience, presenting a gentle and thoughtful persona to the girls all while regaling the guys with plans of sexual conquest and wild parties to come.

Yep, Jack was an expert at playing to an audience – any audience it seemed except one containing Jessica. Jessica was the smoking hot 18 year old cheer captain who Jack had been lucky enough to date right up until homecoming when she caught him getting a handjob from her best friend Kirsten behind the bleachers.

Jessica remained deeply unforgiving of her ex-boyfriend and refused to engage with him throughout the pool party. This bugged Jack like nothing else, I mean who was she to resist his charms? He had dated plenty of girls before that had caught him messing around with other chicks, but they all came back to Jack in the end. Jack knew his impressive 12 inch salami-thick dick was his chick-magnet, and he knew sooner or later Jessica was bound to crack. He smirked as he took a swig from his beer watching her from across the pool….

A few hours later and the party was getting wilder, everyone was at least tipsy if not completely drunk, EDM blared from Bluetooth speakers, the guys were practicing their cannonballs and the chicks were watching them laughing from the sides of the pool.

Jack used the commotion as his opportunity to slide up next to Jessica as she stood by the edge of the pool, sipping a cocktail that was resting on the side. Jessica was as hot as ever, Jack could hardly bring himself to avoid staring at her assets. But he knew she was mad at him and would need a bit of that patented ‘Jack’ charm to get her back on his good side.

“Hey Jess, how’s it going?” He demanded more than asked as he pulled up beside her, trying to act confident, putting his beer down as she turned away from him.

“Come on girl, don’t be like that!”

“Not you girl Jack, you made that very clear” she replied cooly as she stirred the straw through her margarita.

“Look babe, it was all a misunderstanding. And hey, I’m going away tomorrow and I don’t want us to leave on bad terms, ya know?”

Jessica turned to face him, looking the big dumb jock up and down. “Oh really, is that so?... What did you have in mind?”

“Ya know” he said, not so subtly tugging on his monster cock through his board shorts “we could take a visit behind the shed over there, just once more for old time’s sake”

Jack shot her the kind of cocky smile that made her want to throw up, but she played it cool. This was gonna be her one opportunity to humble this peabrained fuck-machine and she was gonna make it worth her while.

She leaned in, letting her breasts hang tantalisingly. “Ok big boy, one last time – I’ll meet you over there in a few minutes, but don’t follow me straight away, I don’t want it to be obvious…”

Jack licked his lips as Jessica wandered over to the shed at the end of the garden. He chugged the last of his beer, overcome with amazement at his own prowess. “Still got it” he muttered to no-one in particular as he hopped out of the pool, slipping away unnoticed by his friends.

Jessica was waiting for him, dripping wet from the pool wearing her tiny bikini. 

"Fuck, you're... wow, I mean just wow" The usually confident stud was temporarily lost for words.

Jessica pulled him in for a deep, passionate kiss. A wave of pleasure washed over his body as his torso pressed into hers. 

Man, he had missed this. He had been with a hundred girls but no-one knew quite how to press his buttons like Jessica did. He felt his dick bricking up as she ran her soft dainty hands over his impressive pecs then down over his washboard abs before resting at the waistband of his soaking wet board shorts.

"Woah, you're keen to see Jack Junior huh?" he smirked. Jessica worked hard to force a smile and suppress the eyeroll that was building within her. 

"Shut up stud" she whispered into his ear as she forced his mouth back into a deep kiss while simultaneously plunging her hands down the front of his shorts. 

Jack moaned as both her hands brushed passes his rapidly hardening dick. Fuck, this was gonna be good. And to think, he almost left the country without getting off with Jess one last time.

Jack's moans continued, as he made out with her but something was suddenly off.  

His eyes opened and he pulled back from the kiss just as he felt Jess’s hands sail completely past his mighty salami dick and instead latch onto each of his hefty balls. His eyebrows furrowed as he let out a short gasp followed by a “Ooohh… easy… easy baby.”

Jessica was unmoved. “You really thought I’d want to do stuff with you again huh? After you cheated on me with Kirsten at homecoming!?” She whispered aggressively into his ears, punctuating every point with a sharp squeeze of his naked nuts.

OOooowwhhhhh…. Jack groaned, knees ever so slightly buckling as his balls got mashed between her palms.

“Unghh.. ok baby, I get it, I do.”

“Do you Jack!?” She asked firmly, giving his balls another long hard squeeze causing him to gulp and hunch over, his manly chest rising and falling with increasingly deep breaths as it rested on her upper torso, his head supported by her collarbone as he gasped for air.

Gingerly he reached down to try and free his balls from her grip, but as he reached his own waistband Jessica unleashed hell on his nuts with a squeeze so mighty it must have crushed his bollocks to within 1/3rd of their normal width.

“AARRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” Jack let out a mighty roar – one so primal and full of terror that it startled even Jessica.

“Shh… shhh!” Jessica whispered leaning in close as she slightly relaxed her grip. “Now, now, we don’t wanna make a lot of noise do we? I mean you don’t want everyone to know that your big ballsies are getting hurt by a girl do you?”

Jack whimpered, gulping as if it could swallow up his pain.

“I mean what would people think? Jack the Man getting beat up by little Jessica? I don’t think a lot of girls would be very interested in you after that, do you?”

Jack glared down at his crotch, seeing her hands still busy working away at his nads inside of his board shorts, but he could do the math. He knew he could probably overpower her, but if he moved his hands any closer to hers she was just going to squeeze like that again and incapacitate him before he could reach his nutsack.

She literally had him by the balls and there was nothing he could do about it. With a restrained, frustrated grunt he moved his hands away from his waistband and instead brought them up over Jessica and slammed them onto the garden shed for support.

Jessica smiled, she was winning.

“Good boy” She cooed softly as Jack’s muscular arms trembled either side of her head as he tried to keep himself up. “Now, let me tell you how this is gonna work. I’m going to get all of my anger out of my system and you’re gonna take it like a man. Understood?”

Jack glared at her.

“Understood!?” she asked again with another sharp squeeze accompanying it.

“Understood!” Jack stammered, fighting a cough as another wave of pain washed over his balls.

She could see from the fury in his eyes just how much he wanted to fight back. I mean, here he was – football player, gym rat, battle hardened pecs, killer biceps, all that time lifting weights and drinking protein shakes – for what? Now, when he really needed to, he was powerless to protect his own manhood. And that was driving him crazy inside.  

“Good” came Jessica’s cold reply.

Slowly but surely she began to twist Jack’s balls around their chords, Jack’s lips let out a high-pitched squeak as he stared pleadingly into her eyes. “Please” he managed to whisper, biceps and legs really shaking now.

“There, there” she whispered back to him “it’ll all be over soon. Just close your eyes and think about your awesome trip, stud.”

Jack cursed as his dick continued to respond to her sexy voice despite the assault she was dealing out to his nuts. The tenting of his board shorts had become frankly ridiculous by this stage, his rock hard dick straining violently against the velcro fly of his swimwear.

The dumbstruck hunk gulped as he heard the tell-tale rzzhhhh-RIPPPPP of velcro parting. Immediately followed by the meaty THWACK of his dick slapping against his abs.

Jessica smiled as she say his thick and veiny member burst out of its constraints. “Oh, someone’s enjoying this.” She deadpanned much to Jack’s chagrin. I mean, who the fuck would *enjoy* getting their balls tortured?

“AH! Fuck! Come one now Jess, you’ve made your point” He stammered, a bead of sweat dripping from his brow, running down his face before falling and landing onto his purple cockhead with a wet SPLAT.

“Hmm… not quite”

Jess used the parting of the velcro to haul Jack’s hefty bollocks out of his shorts as he kept them clamped down in her hands.

She took a moment to observe the meaty orbs as she rolled them in her hands in Jack’s lightly haired sack. It was funny, she thought, that boys let themselves be so controlled by these things. They really weren’t all that impressive, honestly, they’d probably be better off without them…. Oh well.

Ignoring one final pleading glance from the jock’s puppy dog eyes, Jessica went in for the kill, mashing his two balls together like a giant lump of meat so that they were simultaneously being crushed not only by her hands but by each other.

Jake’s face went beet red, his fists pounded on the shed above Jessica’s head as he desperately tried to hold back a mighty scream.

His dick throbbed with every squeeze but held out for another couple of minutes before suddenly starting to pull back in their sack, his chords straining aggressively against the pull of Jessica’s hand.

Both of them realised exactly what was happening, for Jessica it was a moment of triumph, for Jack one of utter humiliation. The stupefied jock started babbling and groaning incoherently.

“Jess… no… Jess… baby… don’t… UNNGHHHH…. You’re gonna… AGHHHH…. STOPPP…. PLEASE…. YOU’RE GONNA…. OOOOFTT… I’M GONNA…”

Jess just smiled gleefully at her humiliated ex-boyfriend. The senior year’s heartthrob, the overconfident jerk who thought his muscles and his dick meant he could do whatever he wanted, no matter how much he hurt the girls stupid enough to fall for him. Here he was, reduced to a bumbling idiot as his useless muscles flexed and violently shook all because of what she was doing to his weak, quivering balls.

“Yeah, you are Jack. Isn’t that what you wanted? One last time getting off, with me? Or because of me at least? Right?”

Jack shook his head in frustration, grinding his teeth as he continued to supress a guttural scream like no other.

“Well you’re gonna get your wish. And when you do, just remember, I’m not your Jess anymore. I’m Jessica.”

And with that she released Jack’s balls while shoving his heaving chest off of her causing him to stumble two steps back. Before he could so much as move an inch, her left fist struck out like a jack-in-the-box and punched him square in the ballsack, while her right palm shoved the hapless jerk in the back causing him to stumble a few steps forward, just out from behind the protection of the shed.

For Jack it all happened so fast, one minute he was hunched over his ex, his boys getting the torment of their lives. Then within the space of about half a second he felt her pushing him back, then AWHHHHHH – NOT HIS BALLS!

But before he could even register the pain, he was pushed out from behind the shed into view of the whole party still hanging out by the pool. A familiar feeling washing over his groin as he stared down just in time to see his mighty dick erupt from the force of Jessica’s last punch to his nads spraying a blast of thick cum right into his face and then all over his abs and chest.

He spat out in disgust as the partygoers reacted to the sudden spectacle. The guys were either stumped into silence, or in some cases laughed. But the shrill, panicked scream of the girls sent a shiver down Jack’s spine.

Everything happened so fast, within seconds cries of “PERVERT” rang out across the backyard. Some of the guys were trying to diffuse the situation, seeking to calm their terrified and shocked girlfriends. A couple of Jack’s closest buddies shielded his modesty and passed him a towel to help him clean up. Other guys were taking sides with their girlfriends and telling Jack he needed to leave.

“NO! THAT’S IT! THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!” Came a yell, Jack was almost too dazed to see who was speaking as he crumpled to the floor, a cum-laded towel in one hand as the other cupped his aching nuts.

“That is sexual assault. Exposing us all to that. It’s not acceptable and I’m calling the cops.” Jack blinked through bleary eyes as a couple of his buddies parted around him to see that Kirsten, the girl he’d cheated on Jessica with was addressing the crowd of gathered girls who were murmuring in agreement.

A couple of the boys objected, “Look, Jack’s a dumb prankster. I know that was wrong but let’s not call the cops”.

“No Tyler, this is too much. If you turn a blind eye to this stuff it just gets worse.” Came Kirsten’s response as she grabbed her phone from her bag and started calling the cops.

“No…. unghhh… wait… it was Jessica.” Jack croaked between half-sobs as he lay soothing his battered balls.

At that point, Jessica appeared from behind the crowd having emerged from the direction of the house.

“Ummm… what’s going on here? I was just in the bathroom.” She delivered convincingly.

A panicked look flashed over Jack’s eyes as he realised how sneaky she’d been, using the cover of chaos to slip out from the other side of the shed and walk behind the bushes that lined the garden to successfully re-emerge from behind them near the exit from the main door of the house.

The girls surrounded Jessica ‘filling her in’ on Jack’s disgusting act of indecent exposure.

 

***


Nearly an hour passed before the cops turned up, two officers from the local police department.

Jack was still groggy and sitting on the edge of a lawn chair when the two officers approached him and asked him what had happened. He could hardly make sense as he tried to explain how Jessica had lured him to the sheds, busted his balls and then exposed him in front of everyone.

The cops shared a quizzical expression as they examined his figure. Jack was a tough, super muscular guy – especially for a recent high school graduate. It seemed utterly implausible that he’d ever be overpowered by a female, especially not a 5 foot 18 year old girl.

The officers took statements from the others in attendance – not one person corroborated Jack’s version of events.

It became pretty clear when they found out Jessica was Jack’s ex that he had only mentioned her presumably as a form of sabotage after realising the severity of his ‘prank’ when others started talking about calling the cops.

They’d heard enough. Jack was still babbling on about his nuts as he was read his rights and hauled to his feet. The ice cold metal cuffs wrapping perfectly around his wrists as an abrupt *CLICK* made the fact he was really being arrested sink in.

Jack looked around begging for someone to step in and tell them the truth, only for his heart to sink as he realised no-one really believed him. The girls all glared back at him in disgust, his bros sheepishly staring at their feet. In their eyes, Jack was living out the exact kind of warning scenario the boys had always heard about – the prankster who took something too far and now had to face serious consequences.

As the humiliated stud was marched to the back of the waiting police car, he gently began to sob as everything came crashing down all at once.

The door slammed in his face as he was driven off down the driveway as his friends watched.

As the cop car disappeared down the street, the partygoers headed back inside, deciding to pack things up rather than continue. As they gathered their things, Jessica made her first approach to Kirsten since homecoming. “Hey, that was really awesome how you stood up and made the call to say enough was enough.”

“Thanks Jessica. I just couldn’t stand by and let that creep get away with something like that. A joke’s one thing, but that’s just too far.”

“Agreed. Look, I know it’s been a while but why don’t you come back to mine after this, I think we’ve got a lot to catch up on.”

Kirsten was touched by the expression of forgiveness. “Yeah, I’d like that a lot.”

The two friends walked back to Jessica’s place together, reunited once more talking about all their plans for the year ahead. 

Jack on the other hand was certainly in for one hell of a gap year.

Unfortunately for him, he didn’t get to see the world after all, in fact he didn’t even leave the county. But he did get lots of what he was asking for during his 14 months in the local penitentiary: dorm style sleeping arrangements, meeting lots of interesting people, having experiences that opened his eyes and making lots of lasting memories… just not the kind he wanted to remember. 


 


Saturday, 7 October 2023

Unpacked: Rolling Rock's "Foul Ball" campaign

 


Following the banning of my old Instagram account by censors, a mate of mine suggested I upload some of the ads or TV/movie scenes I used to upload there to my blog. I think that's a great idea, so I'm going to experiment by not only uploading them here, but using the blog format to go into much greater detail with them.


For this first experimental post, I'm going to focus on the infamous viral "Foul Ball" campaign made for Rolling Rock beer back in 2007 which featured a TV commercial and a related online marketing skit.


TV Commercial

The commercial is set on a normal day at a baseball game; things quickly go wrong when a baseball ricochets off the foul pole after being hit and rebounds, smashing the pitcher in the nuts. In an absurd comical twist, this magic ball doesn't stop there and continues to hit players in the groin before firing off into the crowd indiscriminately getting guys in the balls. 


The ad ends with two guys sitting in the crowd wearing protective cups over their crotches sharing a Rolling Rock as the chaos continues around them. A rolling rock bottle is then shown off screen fizzing over after being struck by the magic baseball and the cheeky tagline is revealed - "Remember your cup". 



Above you can watch the full ad, below I've compiled a breakdown.

 
It's a normal game day for these baseball players...

The pitcher "Harmond" readies the ball for the hitter "Henderson"


Henderson's hit heads out towards the foul line, the players turn to follow it...

It ricochets off the foul pole (meaning it's still in play)

The pitcher's just turned to look at the foul pole, his feet spread in a wide stance

He doesn't even have time to register...

The ball's just travelling that fast...

It narrows in on the bulging front of his tight baseball pants...

Oooft... bro's gonna feel that. Bet he wishes he'd pitched a little softer

Everyone's so distracted by the pitcher getting nailed in the nuts they don't notice the ball ricochet again, this time off a case of Rolling Rock sitting by the dugout

The Third Baseman turns to hear the source of the metal "clang" as the ball ricochets of the cool box

And it flies straight into his nuts

Yep, he felt that one for sure, right in the sack 

And another bro goes down! (Poor shortstop)

Things get manic as it fires off into the crowd...

The shirtless fan getting a nice clear hit in this frame...

Even the team's mascot "Stripey" isn't safe...

Gotta feel for the poor college kid doing this for $10 an hour

Especially as he falls from a great height, probably making his ball paint the least of his worrries

Up in the announcer's box, the guys watch on in bemusement at the scenes unfolding below

But it doesn't last long when the ball ricochets from Stripey's nuts and go flying through the open door on the left-hand side of the shot hitting each of these dudes in their unprotected nuts

If you look super closely (beneath his elbow), you can see the ball bouncing off the wall and heading right for this unsuspecting guy's groin as he goes to sip his coffee

And he joins his fallen bud

Damn, that's gotta hurt!

Having missed all the action on field, these guys at the concession stand get taken totally by surprise

And things don't end well for them when the ball bounces through

This guy's on the phone probably chuckling to his bud about all these dudes getting pinned in the nuts

But unfortunately for him, the ball hits a nearby horse in the backside, causing it to kick its legs out in surprise

Sending the dude flying into a nearby fence....

A quick still of him grabbing his crotch as he falls confirms the worst - he got kicked right in the groin by that horse. I gotta say, I think we've found our dude who got it the worst of all, I mean that kick was so powerful it lifted him off the ground - imagine taking that force straight to the balls

While most of the others have started panicking, the Catcher hasn't forgotten that the game is still ongoing (it's only out if the designated hitter crossed the foul line with his hit, if it hits the foul pole the ball is still in play).

His eyes are glued to the ball as he chases after it...

Which unfortunately means he doesn't see this giant pole, and runs into it crotch first and to make matters worse it looks like his body protector falls just short of covering his most precious parts...

Now, that's gotta hurt both his balls and his ego. The only player who got racked out of his own stupidity rather than cause he got hit. 
The field is left in utter chaos as the fans start to flee

The players on the field still in excruciating pain as they writhe on the ground, hands still cupping their balls

The ad ends with these two spectators playing it smart with cups on as guys continue to get sacked off screen

The one on the right arrogantly spreads his legs, confident in the knowledge his nards are safe from the errant baseball (for now 😉)

Further thoughts on the commercial

As you might have guessed this ad didn't last too long on the air before being banned. In its statement opposing the ban, Rolling Rock said it was ridiculous to ban an ad merely for featuring "33 men being hit in the groin by a magic baseball". 

Despite being banned from the air, the ad went viral online in the early days of YouTube and social media and succeeded in raising the brand's name recognition among men aged 21-40. 

But hang on, Rolling Rock claims 33 dudes get racked - if you watch the ad back you can definitely only count 17. So who else gets hit beneath the belt?

Well, some of those questions might be answered by the accompanying online campaign. Around the time the ad was banned and started blowing up online, the marketing agency behind it released a second video online - the Rolling Rock "Foul Ball" Casting Tape. 

Casting Tape

Looking to build on the viral momentum of the commercial, this accompanying piece was released on early video sharing sites.


Watch it above or read on below for the screenshots

First we meet Matt, a young actor trying out for the commercial. Though he verbally says he's hoping for the part of first base, his audition must have went well because his casting tape has been upgraded to auditioning for the role of "Hero". Hero likely being one of the end two 'hero' characters who sit back with a Rolling Rock as the carnage unfolds

But while Matt stands around waiting for his audition to begin, suddenly an out-of-frame pitching machine comes to life

He lets out a miserable grunt as he gets taken by surprise; he leans over to exhale as he deals with the pain of taking a baseball to the nuts

But before he can even begin to recover another ball fires up at his groin

And another...

And another

He crumples over in agony as the casting agent remarks "oh wow, that's fantastic"

A shame after all that he didn't get the part 😏

Will meanwhile is trying out for Third Baseman, after verbally confirming he's over 25, the casting agent wastes no time in firing up the pitching machine

Will gets no notice...

And goes falling to the ground

His hands buried in his crotch

We don't see this actor getting hit

But it was clearly a direct hit as the would be "Policeman" falls to the ground

While the casting agent encourages his 'performance' with a running commentary "Deep pain, deep pain. On the floor, on the floor... that's great."

This guy trying out for first base coach doesn't last long

And it's not hard to see why

The designated hitter seems a little confused when asked not to assume usual batting stance

And is instead instructed to spread his legs nice and wide while lifting the bat directly over his head

Leaving him completely unprotected when the pitching machine whirrs to life 😏

And in tremendous pain seconds later...

This guy who tried out for the mascot is clearly confused by the audition

But before he gets a chance to leave...

He takes one right to the plums (I gotta say though, I'm glad they swapped out the mascot from a devil to a jaguar, something was infinitely more funny about "Stripeyyy! Nooo!!" than whatever this would've ended up being).

This guy is trying out for the spot of local Mayor. He tries to ask some questions about what they're looking for in his character, but they just tell him not to worry because it's not a speaking part 😉

Up comes the baseball 

and down goes the actor 😏
Love how you can tell the pain is coming to him in waves from his verbal reaction as he initially says "Oh my God" calmly, probably out of surprise at the hit but then a split second later a more panicked and forceful "Oh! MY GOD!" as the pain sinks in 

They do a good job getting this would-be Pitcher to mirror the confusion of the moment as he's encouraged to look over his shoulder after the ball ricochets off the foul pole


Meaning he's not looking when *THWACK*

And down he goes!

This guy trying out for 1st base doesn't last more than a few seconds

And screams out in pain, his mouth that classic 'o' shape as he takes a ball to the balls

This dude struts in ready to try out for Center Field

But before he can even open his mouth, bro gets thwacked in the sack

He lets out a deep, surprised grunt

And falls back into the wall, presumably before collapsing to the ground...

While the casting tape isn't as famous as the actual commercial, it definitely holds its ground as far as nut-crunching comedy is concerned. And you gotta feel bad for all these dudes knowing not one of them appears in the final commercial despite literally putting their balls on the line for the part.

It does help us out a bit though with figuring out some of the off-screen nutshots we don't see in the commercial.

Roles that appear in the TVC but not the casting tape
Short Stop x1
Spectators x3
Popcorn guy x1
Guys in the announcers box x3
Guys in line at the concession stand x3
Horse-kick dude x1
Buggy cart guy x1
Total - 13

Roles that appear in the casting tape but not the TVC
Centre Field x1
Policeman x1
First Baseman x1
First Base Coach x1
Mayor x1
Total - 5

Roles that appear in both
Hero (only 1 in casting tape, but 2 in the actual TVC)
Pitcher x1
Third Baseman x1
Designated Hitter x1
Catcher x1
Mascot x1
Total - 7 (in TVC)
Total shown hit - 4 (Designated Hitter and Heroes not shown hit in TVC despite being hit in casting tape)

So we've got our 17 guys who get hit, plus it's probably fair to say that we can add another 8 to that figure. All five of the roles who only appear in the casting tape can be assumed to have been hit offscreen, plus the 2 that do appear in the TVC without their hit being shown (the Designated Hitter and one of the Heroes). 

That still leaves us 8 short of the claimed 33 though. If we look at a standard set of baseball playing positions, there are 3 positions not shown or mentioned - Right Field, Left Field, and Second Baseman. Given that we see the field completely cleared except for writhing dudes on the ground, it's probably fair to assume that each of these three poor saps has taken a blow to the plums, probably wishing they'd chosen a less gonad-endangering sport as the excruciating pain makes its way up through their taught abs and begins to make them queasy in the stomach.

It's probably fair to add 2 others to this tally, with the 3rd base coach likely having gone down given he's absent from the field (and also given his opposite number at 1st has already taken a hit). We also know from the beginning of the commercial that there was a runner on the field at 1st base, his failure to make it home only has one explanation...


Now that still leaves us 4 guys short, which is the exact number of umpires there would be on the field. So I reckon that gives us a nice indication of all 33 dudes who get racked in the nards on-screen or off-screen in this commercial. 

The last question to ponder is, if only one of the two "Hero" characters get hit at the end (which we're assuming cause only one was showing in the casting tape). Which one should it be?

My personal preference would be for our dude on the right here. He's definitely the more arrogant of the two, the way he decides to spread his legs extra wide and thrust his crotch forward is just asking for the ball to fire into him tbh.

But of course, there's plenty of opportunity for our guy on the left. Unlike his bro, he's not got his cup covering him quite as well. In fact, if you look at the bottom of it, it's clearly overhanging his crotch a bit, leaving him wide open from the bottom. 

It may well be that juts after the screen cuts away, the baseball comes flying from behind shooting just over the cool box of beers and ricochets off of the plastic seat in front, bouncing back at just the right angle to fly under the guy on the left's poorly secured cup and inflicting on him just the kind of nut-crunching pain he'd been laughing at moments earlier. 

Perhaps though, neither of them escapes unharmed. While the guy on the right has fitted his cup a little better, it's still not perfect and he is still vulnerable to a blow from below. Perhaps one of the umpires made it out ok? Leaving enough nut shots to go round for our two "hero" buddies here to end up rolling around on the ground, clutching their nards as their Rolling Rock bottles cruelly roll away 😉

Whoever the full list of 33 guys are, I'm sure they'll all be spending quite some time icing off their balls after this. It'll be an especially humbling experience for all the fit and athletic baseball players, a harsh lesson that no matter how fast or strong they get, or how long they spend training and hitting the gym they'll never be totally invincible. That period stuck at home, forced to deal with the juxtaposition of their muscular arms, flat stomachs and broad shoulders contrasted with their shriveled and throbbing cocks and balls is bound to play with their psyche. After being forced to spend so long being unable to pleasure their wives and girlfriends, I'm sure none of the players on either of these teams will ever forget their cup in future.